6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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