I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
