im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
