So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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