the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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