true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am naked and annoyed.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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