He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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