my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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