i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
