You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
