i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
