Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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