my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
