He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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