Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
