Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Come on in and take your pants off
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