He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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