my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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