Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We're too hungover to prance.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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