i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
