I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
