I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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