Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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