My hair reeks of homosexuality.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
