Ambien. No doubt about it.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
