Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
