Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
