I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
