hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
her vagine was all disorganized.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
