I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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