There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
