Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
