Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
