sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
