Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
