I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
