I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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