hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
