You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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