Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
