update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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