apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
