Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
