I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
