I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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