I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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