The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
