If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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