My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
