dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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