Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
